


Atsumu’s Rules (and how Sakusa broke them)

by sleepinginthe_library



Series: Eating Disorder Works (haikyuu based) [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: A series will be made for the sequel, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anorexia, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Bulimia, Cuddling & Snuggling, Depression, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Falling In Love, Finally, Gentle Kissing, Give him a hug please, Hospitalization, Hospitals, Jeez, M/M, Miya Atsumu Needs a Hug, POV Miya Atsumu, POV Sakusa Kiyoomi, Recovery, Sad Miya Atsumu, Sad with a Happy Ending, Soft Sakusa Kiyoomi, Strangers to Lovers, The sequel will NOT be uploaded to this work it’ll be its own separate one, There will be a happy ending, Vomiting, atsumu is also a little ooc but eating disorders make you act different, he makes me so happy, he’s a little ooc but atsumu needs some support, komori is best boy, supportive sakusa (he is so helpful), they are and you can’t tell me otherwise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:55:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27834148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleepinginthe_library/pseuds/sleepinginthe_library
Summary: Atsumu was sick of being in everyone’s shadow. He wanted people to care about him too. When all hope seemed to be lost, he found a way to control his life. He built a mask, made rules, and pretended everything was fine. When he was accepted to the All Japan Youth Training Camp, he meets Sakusa who doesn’t know it, but will help break Atsumu’s walls and make him whole again.
Relationships: Kita Shinsuke & Miya Atsumu & Miya Osamu, Miya Atsumu & Miya Osamu, Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi, Miya Osamu/Suna Rintarou
Series: Eating Disorder Works (haikyuu based) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2091045
Comments: 78
Kudos: 368





	1. Control

**Author's Note:**

> I need to stop writing fanfics at 12 am, it’s not good for me. 
> 
> TW: Eating Disorders
> 
> Please do not read this story if it will trigger you. Please go read some happy fluff instead. 
> 
> This work is my first multiple chapter fanfic! I’m really excited to start it.

It started out with the need for  **control** . 

School was getting tougher, Atsumu’s friends were leaving him, and Osamu was starting to surpass him. 

Cut out snacks here and there, eat a lighter dinner, and skip meals with the team. 

If he did this, then maybe he could control the rest of his life. That’s all he needed, was  **control** . 

Atsumu started staying after practice to practice his sets. His teammates didn’t think anything of it, they just assumed it was his rivalry with his brother. But in reality it was a way for him to skip dinner and improve at the same time. To Atsumu, it was a win-win. 

After practicing for 2 hours, Atsumu checked the time. 

“Shit, I didn’t realize it was so late. Osamu and mom are going to be worried.”

That’s the last thing he wanted. If people started to get suspicious, that was the end of his comfort, his  **control** . 

Atsumu rushed to get all of his stuff together and ran out the door of the gym. He thought up excuses for skipping dinner while he ran home,  hopefully burning a few more calories . 

He turned the corner of the street he was on and quickly ran to his house. When he opened the door, he smelled the heavenly scent of his mom’s cooking. He could hear and feel his stomach growled, asking, no pleading for food. He ran to his room, trying to escape the tempting smell. 

When he entered his room, Atsumu quickly reminded himself of his rules. 

  1. Cut out all snacks. 
  2. Skip as many meals as possible, but you must have a good excuse (being caught is the worst thing that could happen). 
  3. No desserts. 
  4. Only whole foods such as: vegetables, fruits, rice etc.
  5. Weigh yourself every Monday. 
  6. Never, ever, tell anyone about this.



He couldn’t ruin his progress. 

While Atsumu was reminding himself, Osamu entered his room. 

“Hey, idiot, there’s food if you want it.”

“I ate while coming back from practice.” Atsumu said

Osamu just shrugged and walked out. 

Atsumu breathed a sigh of relief. He weighed his options, go downstairs and face the temptation or stay in his room and try to do his homework. His brain was more fuzzy now because of his lack of nutrition, but it was worth it. The feeling of  **control** was worth it. He decided to stay upstairs. 

“Why risk messing everything up?” He thought to himself as he got his homework out. 

The night went on with Atsumu cooped up in his room, avoiding the temptation. When his brain finally had had enough, he closed his homework and got ready for bed. His nighttime ritual was to change in the bathroom and look at himself in the mirror. Some people probably thought it was vain, but they didn’t understand the feeling of happiness when he saw his progress. His goal was to become skinnier than Osamu so people would talk about him again. Once he was skinnier and in  **control** people would like him again right? 

After checking every inch of his body and scrutinizing the parts he didn’t like, he finally went to bed. 

Atsumu woke to the sun shining on his face, with his loud alarm clock, blaring in the background. He groaned and stretched, not excited to wake up. He groggily got ready for school and headed out the door  without breakfast . He had been so tired, he didn’t check to make sure no one had noticed he didn’t eat anything, so Osamu had noticed. 

“Why didn’t he grab breakfast?” Osamu thought to himself. “That’s not like him, he always complains when he doesn’t get any.”

Osamu shook off the feeling of uneasiness and assumed that Atsumu had forgotten. 

“I guess I’ll be a good brother for once and bring him some onigiri.” He quietly laughed. 

When Osamu got to the gym, he saw Atsumu already warmed up and setting to Suna. 

“Oi, Atsumu!” He yelled. “You forgot to eat breakfast this morning, so I brought you some.”

Atsumu freezed and set the ball wrong to Suna. 

“Oh fuck, I was so tired I didn’t bother making sure no one saw me.” Atsumu thought frantically. 

“You messed up on the last set.” Suna said, although Atsumu already knew.  He’d punish himself later . 

Atsumu just nodded and walked towards his brother. 

“Thanks.” He tried to sound grateful, but he just couldn’t bring himself too. 

Osamu frowned and said,

“I went out of my way to bring you breakfast, don’t sound so ungrateful.”

Atsumu noticed the team was starting to tune into their conversation. 

“Atsumu you need to make sure you eat. It’s important so you can play volleyball.” Their captain, Kita, said. 

“Yeah I know, thank you Osamu. I was too focused on my messed up set.” Atsumu tried to dismiss the situation and get the team's attention off of him. 

Osamu nodded and walked off to the locker room to change and the rest of the team was going back to their original positions to continue practice when their coach came in. 

“Everyone, I have some big news.”

The team perked up when they heard the announcement. Kita motioned for Suna to get Osamu so he could hear as well. Once everyone was there, the coach continued,

“We received a letter from All Japan Youth Training Camp, they want Atsumu to go.”

Atsumu stood there, stunned. Had all of his practicing finally paid off?

He came back to his senses when he felt someone slap his back to congratulate him. 

“Are you sure they want me?” Atsumu asked, still confused. 

The coach looked confused, as well as the team. 

“Well of course, you’ve been working harder than anyone here and you are an amazing setter, I’m not surprised you got chosen.” The coach said, stunned. 

Atsumu shrugged and thanked the coach. After they discussed some details, practice continued, the onigiri forgotten. Atsumu thanked the universe for the distraction, he didn’t want to run extra miles to burn off the unwanted food. After a long day at school and another practice, he went home, with Osamu this time. The walk back was silent, but not uncomfortable. 

Atsumu was startled when he heard Osamu speak,

“I noticed you didn’t eat the onigiri I brought you.” He said. 

“I’m sorry.” Atsumu laughed, “I got so caught up in the good news, I forgot about it.”

Osamu frowned again, thinking to himself. 

“This isn’t like him, usually he’s much more loud and complaining more. Somethings wrong.”

The rest of the walk was awkward and when they got back, Atsumu breathed a sigh of relief. He ran into the house, excited to tell his mom about his success. After telling her the good news, they talked about it and figured out how it would work. He was scheduled to leave in 4 days, so he had to pack soon and talk to his teachers about work. Atsumu went to bed happy for once. 

  
  


~Time skip~

  
  


After 4 long days, it was finally time. Atsumu got on his train and headed towards the training camp. When he got there, he signed in and got his room assignment. He was in a room with someone with the name of “Sakusa Kiyoomi”. He headed towards the room and opened the door and saw the prettiest boy to ever exist. Atsumu stood there like an idiot, trying to comprehend how he was lucky enough to be assigned to a room with an angel. 

“Aren’t you going to come in?” The angel opened his mouth and sneered. 

Atsumu sputtered and quickly came inside. 

“My name’s Miya Atsumu, nice to meet you.” He stuck out his hand to greet Sakusa, but Sakusa just stepped back and shook his head. 

“I’m a germaphobe, I don’t shake people’s hand.” Sakusa said in disgust. 

“Well maybe he’s not an angel, but damn he’s gorgeous.” Atsumu thought. 


	2. Boundaries

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a heads up for future chapters, I have finals next week so I will be studying for them this week. I will not be able to update as frequently for a while. 
> 
> I switched the POV because I figured out some people might want to see what Sakusa was thinking, so I think I’m going to switch the POV’s every chapter.
> 
> TW- Eating disorders. Please do not read this if ED’s trigger you.

Sakusa walked into the building with his cousin behind him. He noticed a small crowd of people was forming and wrinkled his nose in disgust. 

“How can they be so close to each other?” Sakusa thought. 

His cousin, Komori, noticed Sakusa’s uncomfortableness and said 

“I’ll go register for both of us.”

Sakusa gave him a quick head nod, but inside his head he was praising his annoying, albeit understanding cousin. He gravitated towards a corner where no one had congregated towards yet and waited for Komori to come back. 

After waiting for a decent amount of time, Komori got Sakusa and his room assignments. 

“Oh shit, Sakusa isn’t with me. He’s going to freak out.” Komori frantically thought. 

Sure, he liked to tease his cousin about his phobia, but he wouldn’t ever put him in situations that would make him uncomfortable. 

Sakusa noticed Komori’s frown as he was handed his room assignment and directions to the cafeteria, gym, and his room. After reading over his paper, Sakusa sighed. He really didn’t want to be put with someone who would most likely not understand his fear of germs and disregard his space. 

“You can stop frowning, you know. I’ll be fine.” Sakusa said. 

“You could probably talk to them about your germaphobia and they might assign you to my room instead.” Komori responded. 

“It’s fine.” Sakusa said, curtly. 

Komori doubted it was, but decided not to press the issue anymore. 

They both walked to the elevators and got in. Komori pushed the button for their floor and they waited for the elevator to descend. Once they got to their floor, they parted ways as they headed down different sides of the hallways. Sakusa walked a few feet and soon was met with his room. He opened the door and noticed that his roommate was not there. He breathed a sigh of relief, thankful that he would have time to clean the room before anyone could disturb him. He took out his disinfectant wipes and got to work. After cleaning for about 20 minutes, he sat down and marveled at his work. 

“Maybe if my roommate can keep his side of the room clean, it won’t be so bad.” Sakusa thought, although he doubted it. 

He didn’t get any time to continue thinking about it because the door to the room was opened and a boy with yellow hair walked in. Sakusa’s first thought was about the boy’s hair. 

“Has he never heard of toner? Why is it so yellow?” It took all his willpower to not comment on it. 

After looking at him for a few seconds, Sakusa asked with a sneer, “Aren’t you going to come in?” 

The boy looked flustered as he responded,

“My name’s Miya Atsumu, nice to meet you.” 

He stuck out his hand as a way to greet him. 

Sakusa immediately stepped back and said with a tone that dripped with his disgust “I’m a germaphobe, I don’t shake people’s hands.”

What happened after he said this stumped him. Atsumu looked extremely apologetic and proceeded to apologize. Sakusa had never met someone (besides Komori and his family) that respected his boundaries. 

“I already told you, stop standing around like an idiot and come in.” 

Atsumu laughed and started to unpack his belongings. They both worked on unpacking in a comfortable silence and once they were done, they fell onto their beds and heaved a sigh of relief. 

“I never got your name.” 

Sakusa turned his head to look at Atsumu. He noticed the way the light fell around his body and how he looked slightly ethereal (even with the piss colored hair). Sakusa mentally shook his head and answered Atsumu. 

“My name is Sakusa Kiyoomi.”

“I’ll call you Omi-Omi to make it shorter.” Atsumu said. 

“No you won’t. I don’t like nicknames.” Sakusa responded in an annoyed tone. 

Atsumu just laughed and got up to head towards the bathroom. 

“I changed my mind, he’s annoying.” Sakusa thought to himself. 

He decided to head towards the bathroom to try and convince Atsumu to stop calling him that, when he noticed Atsumu pulling out a measuring tape. 

“Why’d you bring a measuring tape with you?

Atsumu jumped and looked at Sakusa. Worry was etched into Atsumu’s face, but only for a second as he gained his composure. 

“Oh, I just like to keep track of how my muscles are growing. I want to make sure I’m rebuilding them after practice and I’m trying to improve my stamina. 

Sakusa just nodded and decided to pretend that it never happened, for Atsumu’s sake. He walked past Atsumu, just as Atsumu was moving to walk past him and Sakusa’s elbow hit Atsumu’s ribs. Sakusa tried not to freak out over touching someone, but that problem was quickly overshadowed by the feeling of Atsumu’s ribs. When he hit his elbow, he could feel Atsumu’s ribs sticking out profusely. He was brought out of his trance by Atsumu’s apology. 

“Oh shit, Omi-kun I didn’t mean to touch you. I hope you’re alright.” 

“It’s fine, after all I’ll have to get used to you since we’re sharing a room.”

Atsumu chuckled,  Sakusa noticed the worry and fear in his voice , and Atsumu left the bathroom. 

“Was Atsumu alright? Why were his ribs sticking out like that? Maybe he has a problem developing muscle and that’s why he brought a tape measure.” Sakusa tried to reassure himself, but a small part of his brain reasoned with him. 

_ “That’s not why he brought the tape measure and you know it.” _

“I’m not going to interfere with his personal life.” Sakusa firmly reasoned.

While he was debating with himself over what to do, Atsumu came back into the bathroom. 

“Omi-kunnnn, it’s time for dinner.” He said in an obnoxious voice,  trying to cover for his mistake earlier.

Sakusa just nodded and walked out of the bathroom. They both headed down to the cafeteria, Atsumu leading and Sakusa in tow. Once they got there, they separated to get their own food  and for Atsumu to find an excuse not to eat . 

Sakusa spotted Komori and walked over to him. 

“How’s your roommate? Do you need to switch?” Komori asked. 

“No, he’s fine. He’s actually pretty respectful about it.” Sakusa said, but Komori noticed he wasn’t really paying attention to him. His gaze was on Atsumu, trying to see if he was going to get some food. 

Komori nodded and went back to eating his food, while Sakusa just stared at Atsumu. After watching him for 10ish minutes, Atsumu got up from his table and headed towards the food line. Sakusa relaxed and turned around to look at his cousin. 

“Sorry I wasn’t paying attention, I was watching my roommate. I’m trying to see if he’ll need to be disinfected after dinner.” Sakusa said. 

Komori laughed and pointed out that Sakusa hadn’t gotten any food yet, which prompted Sakusa to rush over (though he’ll never admit to that) and take a spot in line right behind Atsumu. Sakusa didn’t notice Atsumu’s hands grip tighter around his tray as he got a salad with some fruit. 

“That doesn’t look like food a person trying to put on muscle would be eating.”

Atsumu inwardly sighed and responded,

“I ate a lot before coming here and I don’t want to make myself sick for tomorrow.” 

Sakusa nodded and headed back to his table after getting his onigiri, meat, and vegetables.

Once he sat down, he turned to see if Atsumu was going to eat his food and was relieved when he did. Sakusa noticed that feeling and was confused by it. Why was he so concerned for a boy he had just met? He just felt bad for him, that’s what it was. He turned back his food and ate. While he was turned around he didn’t notice Atsumu sneaking out and heading towards a bathroom to get rid of his dinner. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading :D
> 
> As always please tell me what you thought, and I hope you enjoyed.
> 
> In the next chapter will see Atsumu starting to fall for Sakusa, but not wanting to get too close because he doesn’t want to lose his control.


	3. The Voice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Atsumu falls victim to The Voice that controls him. But that’s what Atsumu wants, right? All he needs is control. 
> 
> (I can’t write summaries I’m sorry)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note that there is a graphic scene of Atsumu throwing up his food, if this makes you uncomfortable please skip it and continue reading after it.

“Why is Omi-kun watching me.” Atsumu grumbled under his breath. “It’s not like I’m doing anything illegal.”

Atsumu tried to ignore him, but he could feel Sakusa’s stare piercing into him. 

He tried to reassure himself,

“It’s not like he suspects me, right? I haven’t done anything to make him suspicious.”

But Sakusa wouldn’t stop watching him. Atsumu ignored his thoughts, telling him to forget about Sakusa and to continue starving  after all it’s your  **control** . 

“If he suspects me then I’ll be forced to recover and eat everyday. It’s better to eat one meal now than having to eat 3 meals a day, 7 times a week.” Atsumu argued back.

He got up and started to walk towards the line for food, but his thoughts were racing. 

**They’re watching you. You don’t deserve to eat.** __

Atsumu looked around, seeing the faces of the boys there. They all were looking at him in disgust. 

_ “Look at that fatty, he shouldn’t be eating” _

_ “Why is he eating? Can’t he see the fat all over him?” _

_ “He’d be a better setter if he stopped eating and lost weight.” _

Atsumu put his hands over his ears, trying to block out their comments. 

**“Eat just enough to make Omi stop watching you and then throw it all up.”** The voice told him. 

Atsumu suddenly felt calm now that he had a plan to get rid of the calories. He also could make up for it by going on a run after dinner. 

**“Good job.”** The voice crooned.  **“Soon you’ll be skinny.”**

He felt overjoyed knowing he got the voice's approval. If he listened to the voice, he would lose the weight in no time. He would be a better setter for his team. All he needed was the willpower and  **control** to keep this up. 

Atsumu continued walking towards the line and grabbed a tray once he got there. He felt Sakusa slide his tray next to his and Atsumu reached out for a salad and a bowl of fruit. 

“That doesn’t look like food a person trying to put on muscle would be eating.”

Atsumu looked up at him, he could tell Sakusa still suspected something was wrong with him, but Atsumu was prepared for this. After all he has the voice on his side, what else did he need?

“I ate a lot before coming here and I don’t want to make myself sick for tomorrow.” 

He saw Sakusa nod and walk off to eat with someone Atsumu hadn’t met yet. Atsumu exhaled, thanking the universe that Sakusa hadn't questioned him any further. Here came the hard part though, actually eating the food was going to be difficult. He sat down and looked at his salad. He had made sure to grab the Low-Fat Italian dressing with only 25 calories in the whole packet. In total the salad should be around 50 calories and the fruit about 100. If he ate about half of it then threw it up, he would probably only digest about 40 calories, which he could easily burn off while running. 

Atsumu made sure to see if Sakusa was watching him and once he was, he took a bite of the salad. It tasted like slimy cardboard and he had to force himself to swallow it. He then took a bite of the fruit salad. After eating it, he looked up to see if Sakusa was still watching him, but apparently that little show had been enough to convince Sakusa that he was fine. So Atsumu quickly gathered his food and threw it away and ran towards the bathroom. 

**TW- Graphic Description of Vomiting/Bulimia**

Atsumu forced open the bathroom door and locked himself inside a stall. He got down on his knees and raised the toilet seat. He shoved two fingers down his throat, trying to convince the food to come up. Since Atsumu hadn’t eaten in a while, his stomach was working quickly to digest the food he ate and it wasn’t coming up as easily as Atsumu wanted it too. 

**“You can do better than that.”**

Atsumu shoved the two fingers back down his throat and after scratching his throat raw, the food came up. He made sure that he got it all out and after vomiting up bile, he stood up. The room span for a second but he shook his head and it stood still. He opened the stall door and washed his hands. Then he checked his reflection, making sure his eyes weren’t too watery and his cheeks weren’t puffy. After that he walked out of the bathroom and headed towards his room to get clothes for running. 

On his way there, the voice started to talk to him again. 

**“Good job. You did so well. I’m proud of you.”**

Atsumu preened at the praise and walked faster towards his room. He opened the door only to see Sakusa sitting on his bed. 

“You left dinner awfully fast.” 

Atsumu groaned internally, “I finished my dinner early and wanted to walk around the hotel for a bit.” 

Sakusa started at Atsumu for a second too long for Atsumu to be comfortable, but he looked away. 

Atsumu grabbed his running gear and went to get changed. He hated changing in front of the mirror, after all it showed off all his faults and fat. He changed quickly, looking away from his reflection and ran into the bedroom, getting his shoes. 

“Where are you going?” Sakusa asked in a bored tone, but Atsumu knew he was interested in where he was going. 

“I’m going on a run, Omi-Omi. Do you want to come with me?” Atsumu tried to respond with a cheery tone. 

“No I’m good, I’m  **full** from dinner.” Sakusa heavily implied on the word full. 

Atsumu shivered, he thought that he had convinced Sakusa that he was fine. Shit, this wasn’t good. He couldn’t decide if he should stay back and work on diminishing Sakusa’s suspicions or go on his run and burn away the calories,  the shame , and the fat. 

**“Go on the run. Burning off the calories will make you happy. Being skinny will bring you joy. Everyone will love you.”**

Atsumu agreed with the beloved voice and left the room. He found a decent place to run and it looked to be around 3 miles. 

“This should burn off dinner and a few extra calories. Maybe I’ll burn some fat tonight!” Atsumu was overjoyed at the thought of waking up skinnier. He started to run faster and continued at the pace the rest of the run. 

After running so hard, he couldn’t feel his legs, he stopped to catch his breath. He noticed his vision was swimming and he felt the need to sit down. He fell onto the nearest bench and closed his eyes. He imagined himself with a flat stomach, small thighs/legs, and perfect arms. In his imagination he was popular, good at volleyball, and everyone loved him. He felt a tear slide down his face as he imagined Osamu praising him. All he wanted was love, but instead he got relentless teasing and hate filled words. He buried his hands in his hair and started to sob quietly. What Atsumu didn’t see was Sakusa watching him from a few yards away, his face filled with sadness for the grieving boy. He walked forward and pushed back his germaphobia as he reached to hug Atsumu. He felt Atsumu flinch but relax into the hug after a few seconds. 

“Omi-kun what are you doing here? I thought you didn’t want to go on a run with me.” Atsumu tried to laugh but ended up crying again. 

Sakusa just held him closer and rubbed comforting circles into his back, trying to calm the boy. 

After waiting a few minutes, Sakusa spoke up and said, 

“Let’s go back to the room and you can take a warm bath and relax before we start training tomorrow.” 

Atsumu nodded and let Sakusa pull him up and they headed back to the hotel with their arms around each other. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wanted to use my experiences with anorexia and bulimia in this story and this chapter really reflected that. While I never had a “voice” in my head telling me what to do, my own thoughts acted just like the voice does. Atsumu listens to the voice because he thinks that it understands him and wants to help him, when in reality the voice is slowly killing him. Also no one thinks that Atsumu is fat, his mind is twisting things around and making it seem like everyone hates him. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed and thank you so much for the positive feedback! It’s crazy :D


	4. What have I done?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After bringing back Atsumu from his run, Sakusa thinks about how he might not hate Atsumu anymore. Then angst bc why not. 
> 
> Once again I can’t write summaries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am overwhelmed with joy and gratitude. The amount of support I have gotten on this is crazy. Thank you so much for over 100 kudos and 1000 hits. I’m still in shock. 
> 
> I’ll put this again just as a reminder  
> TW: Eating Disorders
> 
> I’m sorry for writing this :D

Once Atsumu was in the bath, Sakusa finally allowed himself to relax. He thought back on how Atsumu was acting before he left for the run. He seemed nervous and scared. 

It’s probably the need to burn off the dinner he ate. 

Sakusa again tried to ignore the thought of Atsumu having an eating disorder, but as he looked closer into it, the clues all added up. 

  1. His ribs. Shit they were so pronounced it was terrifying. 
  2. The way Atsumu didn’t eat until he started to stare at him. 
  3. The running after dinner even though all Atsumu ate was a salad with fruit and who knows if he even finished it. 
  4. And the worst of all, seeing Atsumu’s skinny body when Atsumu thought he wasn’t looking. 



Sakusa’s mind kept flashing back to the bones protruding out of Atsumu’s pale skin. It was concerning that his family and friends back home hadn’t noticed. 

“I can’t just ask him if he has an eating disorder, he’ll shut himself off from me and get worse.” Sakusa thought. “It’s probably best to “ignore” it for now and help him later.” 

He then got up to check on Atsumu only to find him asleep in the tub. Sakusa sighed and rubbed his temples. There was no way to get him out of the tub without having Atsumu find out he saw him and alerting Atsumu to hide his disorder. He thought about ways to wake Atsumu up when he remembered Atsumu had a twin. Sakusa got the phone and opened it with Atsumu’s fingerprint and texted the contact with the name Osamu. 

_The better twin:_

_Could you please call your brother. He fell asleep and I don’t know how to get him up. (This is his roommate by the way)._

_The inferior twin:_

_Yeah sure._

Sakusa raced to put the phone by the tub and quickly left the bathroom, but not after noticing Atsumu’s skeletal body. He heard the sound of ringing and hoped that it would be enough to wake Atsumu up. Luckily he heard the sound of water sloshing around and Atsumu fumbling to dry his hands and pick up the phone. 

“What do you want Samu?” Atsumu said in a tired voice. 

“I just wanted to call you and ask how your first day was, don’t be so rude.” Osamu replied. 

“It’s going great, thanks for asking.” Atsumu snapped. 

“If something’s bothering you, you can ask ya know?” 

Atsumu sighed and answered,

“I’m doing fine, I went for a run and I guess I fell asleep in the bath so I’m a little on edge.” 

“Well dry yourself off and go to sleep idiot.” Osamu laughed, but with a soft tone. 

“I miss you, just letting you know. It’s boring without you here.” Osamu said quietly. 

“Wow I didn’t know you had it in you to be nice.” 

“I open my heart to you and this is how you react?” All sappy feelings were gone as the twins bickered back and forth for 15 minutes. Finally Atsumu grumbled about needing to go to bed and they hung up. Sakusa busied himself with pretending like he wasn’t listening to their conversation and was just playing on his phone. He saw out of the corner of his eye Atsumu entering the bedroom and sitting down on his bed. 

“Thanks for bringing me back.” 

Sakusa looked up from his phone and nodded. He went back to playing his game, but wasn’t really paying attention to it. All that mattered was his Atsumu was doing. Sakusa inhaled quickly at that thought and realized that maybe he didn’t hate Miya Atsumu. 

“Did you lose or something. You sounded like a dying duck.”

Scratch that, he definitely hated Atsumu. He chucked a pillow at him and watched as Atsumu fell off the bed with a loud screech. 

“Who sounds like a dying duck now?” Sakusa laughed. 

“Shut it Omi-Omi.” Atsumu pouted. 

Why does he look so cute when he pouts?

The night progressed with the two of them telling stories about their life back home and getting to know each other. After a while they both got tired and turned off the lights to go to sleep. 

  
  


~Morning~

  
  


Sakusa woke up to the sound of beeping and groaned. 

“Fuck I hate alarm clocks.” Sakusa heard from the other side of the room. He quietly chuckled and went to turn it off. They both got ready to head down to breakfast, though Sakusa could feel the fear radiating off of Atsumu. He was sure Atsumu didn’t want to eat, but decided he would push Atsumu to eat with Komori and him so he could keep an eye on him. As they headed down to the cafeteria, Sakusa asked him. 

“Do you want to eat with my cousin and me?”

Sakusa subtly glanced at Atsumu to see his reaction. He looked nervous but only for a second. 

“Are you sure, I wouldn’t want to intrude, plus what about your germaphobia? I’m sure you don’t want me near you.”

“Atsumu I’m literally right next to you, without my mask on.” Sakusa deadpanned. “I don’t know how but I don’t feel the need to get away from you.”

He could tell Atsumu was pissed that his excuse hadn’t worked but he gave in anyway. Sakusa put on his mask as they walked through the doors and headed towards the line to get food. Sakusa made sure to watch what Atsumu got and to push for him to get more food. 

“Are you sure you aren’t hungry? You had a small dinner and burned it off with your run.”

“You should get the eggs and meat. It’ll be good for building your muscles.”

He continued to prod at Atsumu, trying to get him to take more food, but Atsumu just looked angry. Sakusa shut his mouth and stopped. They walked to Komori’s table with their food and sat down. 

“Komori, this is Atsumu. Atsumu, this is Komori. He’s my cousin.”

Atsumu put his hand out and shook hands with Komori after mentioning he was Sakusa’s roommate. 

“It’s nice to meet you. It’s also nice to see that Sakusa has someone he can room with who he trusts.” 

Sakusa blushed at the comment but thankfully it was covered by his mask. Atsumu wasn’t so lucky though, his cheeks were bright red. 

“Wow Omi-kun, I didn’t know you trusted me. I thought you hated me.” Atsumu teased. 

“I still do.” He replied, rolling his eyes, but he didn’t really mean it. 

Komori laughed, “Don't listen to Atsumu, if he allows you to be near him without a mask, then he definitely doesn’t hate you.”

Atsumu looked down at his food in embarrassment. He didn’t know Sakusa genuinely liked him, although from anyone else’s perspective, it was obvious. 

Sakusa started to eat his food to try and get Atsumu to do the same, but he just sat there, picking at it. 

“Atsumu you need to eat if you want to survive training camp. It’s going to be rough.” Sakusa said. 

“But I’m not hungry Omi.” Atsumu whined, even though Sakusa had heard Atsumu’s stomach growl multiple times that morning. 

Somehow Komori must have sensed something or the Universe was smiling on them, Komori chimed into the conversation, mentioning that if he didn’t eat he would probably pass out. Atsumu started to eat after hearing the words “pass out” and Sakusa let out a sigh of relief. He needed to thank Komori after this. Once they finished eating, Atsumu stood up quickly and mentioned he was going to use the bathroom. Sakusa tensed and waited for Atsumu to walk out before following him. 

As he entered the bathroom, he heard the sound of vomiting and grimaced. He hated vomit with a passion. It would make sense though, if his phobia didn’t allow him to go near people, why would it allow this? He shuddered and walked forward. His legs felt like lead and his hands kept shaking. He took a deep breath and forced himself to get over it for a second. 

“Atsumu? Are you alright?” Sakusa called out, pretending like he didn’t hear Atsumu’s awful ritual. 

Immediately the vomiting stopped and it took only a second for Atsumu to respond. 

“I’m fine Omi-Omi don’t worry about me. Why don’t you go back to the table and wait for me?” 

“No that’s alright I’ll just wait here for you.” Sakusa replied. 

Sakusa heard Atsumu sigh angrily and he forced the stall door open after flushing the toilet. He went to wash his hands to get rid of the smell of vomit and clean them. After he was done, he headed for the door, but Sakusa moved in front of it, blocking him. 

“I’m not going to pretend like I didn’t hear you. I can’t just ignore this Atsumu. You’re killing yourself.” 

Atsumu looked at him coldly, “You don’t get it Omi. Nothing was happening.”

Sakusa sighed and leaned against the door. 

“I’m not leaving until you acknowledge what you did and let me help you fix it.”

“Sakusa if you don’t move now, I’ll move you myself.” Atsumu replied in a hard tone. 

“I know what you’re going through.” 

“You know **nothing** about me.” 

“I’ve gone through it too. The need to be perfect, the need to control right? News flash, this isn't the way to do it.” Sakusa replied, slightly angry at Atsumu. 

“I know better than you do. You **failed** , but I won’t.” Atsumu moved to force Sakusa out of the way when he responded,

  
  


“ **_Don’t touch me_ **.”

  
  


Atsumu complied, albeit hurt beyond words. Wasn’t it just a few minutes ago that Sakusa said he trusted him? He stood there stunned as Sakusa moved out of the way and left the bathroom. Atsumu sank to the floor and started to cry. 

**_What had he done?_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I almost cried writing this, but I’m just emotional from today’s new episode. Thanks for reading, I love seeing your comments, it seriously makes my day. I promise that this will end happily, just stick with it.


	5. Being perfect has a price

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How the heck do you write summaries :| 
> 
> After their fight, Atsumu and Sakusa avoid each other, until Atsumu learns what the price for being “perfect” is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Agajksakaf my hand hurts 
> 
> I added fluff to make up for the last chapter, you’re welcome.

The floor was cold and dirty, but Atsumu didn’t care as he let out a loud sob. How could he have said that to Sakusa? All he was trying to do was help him, yet he just acted like a jerk. 

**That's not surprising though. You always fuck up, regardless of what you’re doing.**

The Voice was angry again. Atsumu tried to subdue it, but it kept yelling at him. Over and over it told him how he was a worthless human being who couldn’t even be nice to the  **_one_ ** person who cared about him. 

**You don’t deserve his kindness, his support, or his care. You deserve to starve until you pass out or die.**

Atsumu agreed with The Voice. When had it ever directed him in the wrong direction? He had to punish himself for hurting Sakusa. 

  
  


Atsumu pushed himself off the ground, his bones aching. Not eating was starting to really get to him. He knew eating would help with the dizziness and potentially improve his volleyball skills, but eating came with a price, a price Atsumu wasn’t willing to pay. The Voice applauded his  **control,** his  **restraint** , after all making The Voice happy helped Atsumu succeed.

He grabbed the door handle and forced it open. He noticed it was harder to open, but brushed it off. 

That should’ve been the first sign . 

He checked the clock and saw he had 7 minutes to get to the gym or else he would be late. As he ran towards the gym, he felt his heart beating faster than normal, but that means his body would burn off the fat faster right?

He really should’ve listened to Sakusa and ate .

He reached the gym just in time and looked around at the people there. He saw Sakusa, but turned away before they could make eye contact. The coach had started to explain what was going to happen after they warmed up, but Atsumu’s brain stopped listening. His mind felt like it was filled with cotton balls and static. When he closed his eyes, he felt relaxed, almost as if he was sleeping, but he snapped out of it when he heard the coach blow his whistle. 

“Alright everyone, start warming up and once you're done, please find a partner and work on receiving.”

Atsumu sighed inwardly and began to warm up. After everyone was done, they all started to mingle and get a partner. Normally he would’ve tried to pair up with Sakusa, but  **you fucked that up, just like you fuck us everything else** . He saw a boy with black hair standing alone so he walked up to him and asked. 

“Do you wanna be partners?” 

The boy looked at him and just nodded his head. 

They started to practice receives and Atsumu noticed that the boy was a setter too. He also had a powerful spike which delighted Atsumu. 

“I never got your name.” Atsumu said as he bumped the ball back to the boy. 

“It’s Kageyama, what’s yours?” He replied, sending another spike towards Atsumu. 

“It’s Atsumu, nice to meet you.”

“Likewise.”

They continued their practice until the coach called them back. 

“We’re going to have a scrimmage so I can assess your skills and what you need to work on.”

He paired them onto 2 different teams, but much to Atsumu’s despair, Sakusa was put on his team. He quickly walked away from him and headed towards the court. After discussing with his team about their different positions, it was decided that Atsumu would be their main setter. The game started and Atsumu made sure to get the ball to the spikers no matter what. He kept pushing himself, trying to impress the coach and his teammates. He needed to be number one, he had to prove that he wasn’t useless. 

As Atsumu was playing, the coach motioned for his assistant to come over. 

“Do you see the kid with the blond hair? Notice how he’s making sure the sets are perfect? He’s pushing himself to make sure his spikers have the perfect opportunity. That’s the type of player professionals are looking for.”

The assistant nodded and they kept a close eye on Atsumu. 

_ If only Atsumu knew that people didn’t think he was useless.  _

After pushing himself so hard, Atsumu started to feel the effects quickly. Any person would’ve, especially since Atsumu wasn’t eating. His legs quickly turned into jelly and his reaction time slowed. His set didn’t reach the spiker properly, so it was blocked by the other side, which gave Atsumu a second to rest. He noticed the room was spinning and everything was muffled. 

“Why can’t I focus?” Atsumu thought. “I have to be perfect or else they’ll kick me out. I’m easy to replace.”

**Get it together.** The Voice reprimanded him. 

Atsumu took a few deep breaths and brought himself back to Earth. The opposing team served and his team quickly received it, bringing the ball to him. He tried to move and position himself perfectly for the ball but his legs stopped responding. In fact, his whole body stopped. He saw black creeping up the sides of his vision as he fell to the floor.

“Omi-kun was right.” Atsumu thought as he faded out of consciousness. 

  
  


~Flashback to Sakusa’s POV after the fight~

  
  
  


“ **_Don’t touch me_ ** .”

  
  


The words left his mouth before he even thought them. He instantly regretted saying them when he saw Atsumu’s face crumble, but he was too angry to apologize. He walked out, leaving Atsumu alone. 

“Who does he think he is? Acting like he knows everything about me.” Sakusa angrily thought. 

The reasonable side of his brain counteracted him, 

_ “You acted like this too, remember? Don’t get so angry at him, instead help him. You can’t support or date him if he’s 6 feet under the ground.”  _

Sakusa sighed and agreed. He realized his feelings for Atsumu last night. He didn’t depict himself as the type of person to develop feelings easily, yet here he was. 

“I’ll apologize to him after practice today.” Sakusa decided. 

He walked to the gym and met up with Komori when he got there. 

“Where’s your boyfriend?” Komori asked. 

Sakusa sputtered and tried to deny it, but Komori just laughed. 

“I’ve never seen you care for someone like this before. The way you stare at him is so caring. Anyways, where is he?”

“We had a fight.”

“WHAT?” Komori shouted, which caused people to look their way. 

“Komori, shut up, people are looking at us.” Sakusa quietly hissed. “I’ll explain it to you, just don’t yell again.”

Komori nodded his head and pretended to zip his mouth shut. 

“What I’m about to tell you has to be kept a secret. If you tell anyone, I’ll kill you.”

Komori’s eyes widened and he shook his head yes, signifying he understood. 

“Atsumu has anorexia and bulimia. I first noticed it when I accidentally brushed against his ribs. Then he wouldn’t eat dinner or breakfast until I stared at him. He also went on a run after eating a small salad and fruit, which I can only assume he threw up before. This morning I caught him throwing up breakfast and we fought about it.”

Komori let out a small sigh. 

“Only you could figure out something like this so quickly.”

“I think he let his guard down because he wasn’t at home so he didn’t have anyone to really hide it from.” Sakusa replied. 

“Are you doing ok though? This hasn’t triggered you, has it?” Komori asked, concerned. 

Sakusa reassured him that he was alright. They settled into silence, trying to think of ways to help Atsumu, when the man himself walked into the gym. Sakusa noticed Atsumu quickly turn away from him and walk off in the opposite direction. 

“You have a lot of work to do.” Komori said. 

Sakusa nodded and with that, practice had started. After working hard on his receives/spikes with Komori, the coach called them back and put them onto different teams. Komori glanced just way when Sakusa was put on Atsumu’s team, but he just waved him off and went towards the court. The game started and that’s when Sakusa got to see Atsumu in all of his glory. He moved quickly, but it wasn’t rushed. He didn’t even know them that well, but he made sure to set the ball perfectly to them and their spikes improved because of him. 

“Whoever told Atsumu he was bad at volleyball needs a reality check.” Sakusa thought as Atsumu turned around to serve yet another perfect set to one of the wing spikers. That’s when Sakusa overheard the coach talking about Astumu. He was glad to hear they had nothing but good things to say about him. He stood there, enticed by Atsumu until he saw his body fall to the floor. 

Sakusa saw red. 

He rushed over to Atsumu, calling out his name, while checking his pulse. In the background he heard Komori yell for the coach to call an ambulance. He’d have to thank Komori. He really didn’t deserve him. Sakusa turned his attention back to Atsumu and he grabbed his hand. Thankfully he still had a small pulse, but if he was left unattended, he’d most likely have heart failure. 

Sakusa started to quietly talk to Atsumu to try and calm his nerves. 

“Atsumu if you can hear me, I just want you to know I’m sorry for getting angry. I know it’s hard to control your emotions right now, and you must be so tired. You’re going to be ok, I’ll be with you the whole time.”

Komori came over and told Sakusa the ambulance was there and the paramedics rushed in. They started to take Atsumu away, but Sakusa pleaded with them to let him come with them. 

“Please let me stay with him.” Sakusa asked desperately. 

One of the paramedics looked at him with pity and let him stay in the back of the ambulance with Atsumu. The ride to the hospital was slow. He saw the doctors trying to keep Atsumu’s heart from giving out but Sakusa didn’t want to focus on the possibility of Atsumu dying. Instead he imagined the future with Atsumu. In his imagination, they had gone through high school together, made it onto the same volleyball team, and even bought a house. 

Sakusa laughed to himself. 

“I can’t believe I’ve fallen this hard for a boy I just met.”

Yet here he was, most likely in love with a boy who was on the verge of death. 

Once they arrived at the hospital, Atsumu was rushed into the ER. A nurse told Sakusa to wait until he was stabilized before he could visit Atsumu. Sakusa sunk into one of the cold plastic chairs in the lobby and closed his eyes. He dozed off until he felt a light tap against his shoulder. He opened his eyes to see Komori standing there. 

“He’s been stabilized.” 

Sakusa wasn’t religious but he thanked whatever God was out there. He stood up and let Komori lead him to the hospital room. He walked in to see Atsumu sleeping. 

“He looks so peaceful.” Sakusa thought fondly. He pulled over a chair by Atsumu’s bed and sat down. He reached out to hold Atsumu’s hand. It was cold and bony. Sakusa ran his fingers over the protruding bones and made a promise to help Atsumu no matter what. 

“Omi?”

Sakusa’s head snapped up when he heard that stupid nickname (he won’t admit it yet but he doesn’t hate it). 

“Atsumu? How are you feeling.” Sakusa asked carefully. 

“It feels like my head is filled with fuzz.” Atsumu laughed quietly. 

He then looked down at his hand to see Sakusa holding it. 

“I hope you don’t mind, I can stop if you want.”

Atsumu shook his head frantically. “Please don’t, it’s comforting.”

Sakusa smiled and Atsumu’s heart melted. 

Sakusa then started to talk about random things to distract Atsumu but he wasn’t having any of it. 

“How can you be so nice to me after what I did to you?” Atsumu asked. 

“Atsumu, it’s ok. I understand what you’re going through, but you can’t keep doing this to yourself. You almost died.”

“Omi I can’t. I need to be perfect, plus I can’t be fat if I want to play volleyball.”

Sakusa saw how defeated Atsumu looked and his heart filled with anguish. 

“I know you’re not going to believe me when I say this but, number one, you’re not fat. Number two, you’re already so amazing at setting, it’s crazy. I couldn’t keep my eyes off of you. Number three, I overheard the coach talking about how spectacular your skills were and how you were what the pro’s wanted on their teams. Atsumu you already do such an amazing job at helping people. Let someone else take care of you too.”

Atsumu’s eyes filled with tears and he started to cry. Sakusa rubbed his back comfortingly and murmured sweet words to him. Atsumu finally let go and talked about his problems to Sakusa. 

“It’s going to be a rough journey, but I’ll stick with you through all of it.” He promised Atsumu. 

Atsumu looked at him with adoration, “Thank you Omi-Omi.”

Sakusa smiled and nodded. 

“Would it be ok if I kissed you?” Sakusa asked. 

“Please do.” Atsumu replied. 

Their kiss was slow and loving. They could afford to take their time, after all, all they needed was each other. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for making it this far! I hope you’re enjoying the series. I realized that I didn’t include Atsumu’s accent, but I don’t think I’ll change it until I finish writing the series or decide to rewrite it in the future idek. 
> 
> Also I know Sakusa fell for Atsumu quickly, but they’re soulmates so... (this is an excuse for my shitty pacing/writing)


	6. The journey may be hard, but you’ll always be by my side.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermaths of Atsumu fainting are starting to happen, but he can’t seem to keep up.   
> He’s afraid everyone (especially Sakusa) are going to leave him, but leave it to Sakusa to reassure him and show him how much he is loved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *incoherent screeching* 
> 
> I can’t believe this is the last chapter. I really did not expect the overwhelming amount that I got but thank you. Seeing your comments makes my day and helps inspire me to keep writing. 
> 
> Make sure to read the notes at the bottom, I have a surprise.

A knock at the door broke apart their kiss. Atsumu opened his eyes to see his mother and brother standing in the doorway. He felt Sakusa get up and walk towards them. As Sakusa started talking to his family, Atsumu couldn’t help but feel guilty. After all, he caused all of this to happen. His family was probably annoyed at this inconvenience and didn’t want to be here. His thoughts started to cloud his head and his heartbeat increased. The walls started to close in and it felt like he couldn’t breathe. 

**Look what you’ve done. You dragged your family out here because you failed. You could’ve been perfect and skinny, but as usual, you weren’t good enough.**

The heartbeat monitor started beeping rapidly, signaling to Sakusa that Atsumu was having trouble with his thoughts. 

“Could you give us a moment alone please?” Sakusa asked. 

Osamu looked like he wanted to protest, but his mom cut him off and dragged him out of the room. 

Sakusa then walked over to Atsumu and placed a hand on his back, rubbing small circles into it. 

“Look at me.” 

Atsumu looked up, tears streaming down his face. 

“It’s going to be ok. Do you want to talk about it?” Sakusa asked. 

Atsumu nodded and told Sakusa. 

“They came out here for no reason. They’re probably annoyed at this inconvenience. Osamu’s just going to yell at me and he’s not going to understand.” 

“Oh Atsumu, if they didn’t care they wouldn’t even be here. While you were asleep, I talked with Osamu and he told me not to tell you this, but he couldn’t stop crying. He feels awful for not noticing sooner. Your mom feels the same way too. They care about you, The Voice is lying to you.”

They stayed there, just enjoying each other’s embrace, until Atsumu was ready to see his family. 

Upon entering the room, Osamu ran towards Atsumu and flung himself onto him, crying. 

“You stupid idiot! You don’t have to keep holding your feelings in. You don’t need to be perfect, we’ll love you regardless. I’m sorry Atsumu, I should’ve noticed sooner.” 

Atsumu’s eyes welled up with tears again and he hugged his brother. 

“I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have taken such drastic measures.”

Osamu lightly punched his brother and said, “Don't apologize, this isn’t your fault. You didn’t choose this.”

Atsumu was surprised. He didn’t think Osamu would know/understand this much. He looked up at Sakusa and saw him talking with his mom. 

“He must’ve told them about it.” Atsumu felt a fond smile weave it’s way onto his face. 

While the brothers talked with each other, their mom and Sakusa were talking. 

“Thank you for being there for him. I had a small suspicion, but I didn’t want to believe it.”

Sakusa let out a dry laugh. 

“I think we humans choose to ignore some things because we don’t want to believe that the bad things/suspicions are true. I guess the saying is true, ignorance is bliss.”

Atsumu’s mom let out a small hum of agreement. 

“I see the way you look at him. It’s like you have eyes for only him, like nothing else matters. The way you hold him, like he’s about to break, so you’ll be there to support him.” She turned to hold his hands, “Please take care of him.” She exclaimed with tears in her eyes. 

Sakusa felt himself get teary eyed but held himself together. 

“Of course.”

  
  


~time skip~

  
  


After the doctors made sure Atsumu was healthy enough to leave, they discharged him. Sakusa pushed Atsumu outside into the warm sunlight. He noticed the way the sun shined on Atsumu and couldn’t help but think how ethereal he looked, yet he still had sadness in his eyes. Sakusa knew how hard the journey to recovery would be, but he planned to stay with him for the whole time. Sakusa’s thoughts were interrupted by Atsumu’s question. 

“Omi, are you going to go back to the training camp?” Atsumu asked in a small voice. 

“No, you’re more important than the camp. I’ve already called Komori to bring my stuff to your house. I’m going to stay with you for a while, if that’s ok with you.”

For the first time in a while, Atsumu smiled. 

“I’d love that.”

Once they piled into the car, Osamu brought up the team for the first time since everything had gone down. 

“It’s obviously up to you, but do you want to tell the team?”

“I’m not sure. Will they understand or will they just make fun of me like usual?” Atsumu asked, dead serious. 

Osamu and Sakusa flinched at his tone. He truly believed that his team didn’t care about him. 

Sakusa looked at Osamu, silently asking for permission to interfere. He got a head nod in response and took it as a yes. 

“Atsumu, I think that they’ll understand the seriousness of the situation. They don’t seem like the type of people to make fun of this and if they do, Osamu and I will talk to them.” He said the last part menacingly. 

Osamu nodded, “I agree with Sakusa. Kita-san will understand for sure and will make sure everyone knows how to handle the situation.”

Atsumu took in the information and thought about it. 

“I guess we can tell them. I’d rather tell them myself in person though.” He said. 

They all agreed to that and the rest of the ride was peaceful. 

  
  
  


The doctor ordered Atsumu to be on a strict meal plan for a month before he could participate in volleyball again. After all, he had lost a lot of weight, not to mention muscle. 

“It’s a miracle he didn’t die sooner.” The doctor had said. “The next month is going to be difficult. He’s trained himself to be afraid of food and to avoid it at all costs. He’s not going to want to eat at all. I’ve created a simple, but nutritious diet for him to follow so he can gain weight and hopefully muscle when he goes back to playing. I’ve also made a list of basic guidelines to follow so he can recover efficiently but effectively. 

  1. Eat 3 meals a day. It doesn’t matter the time, he just needs to eat. 
  2. If he’s still hungry, give him food. This includes mental hunger. His body has been deprived of food, so all of his hunger cues are messed up. He may be extremely full, but still feels the need to eat to make up for the lack of food. 
  3. Don’t let him go to the bathroom 45 minutes to an hour after meals. He can’t be allowed to purge, this will mess up his progress. 
  4. Even if he is weight restored, his mind will most likely not be healed. Eating disorders are a mental disorder, which means he will need therapy/counseling every week. 
  5. Some things will trigger him. Cover up calories on food, make the food yourself, or just serve it to him with your own bowl/plate. Don’t talk about weight or exercise around him. 
  6. Last but not least, he needs support. Going through recovery by yourself is difficult and most likely impossible. 



These rules made Atsumu’s head spin, but thankfully he wasn’t alone. Sakusa was with him everyday, through the ups and downs. He held him when he couldn’t bear to look at himself in the mirror, comforted him when The Voice yelled at him, and encouraged him to eat when it felt impossible. Never once did Sakusa’s patience waver. Atsumu couldn’t understand how he put up with him, but was thankful. 

A few weeks into recovery, after a particularly horrible dream, Atsumu forced his eyes open and got out of bed. He repeated the same thing every morning. Avoid the mirror while brushing his teeth, don’t pinch the “fat” while changing out of his pajamas, and try not to freak out about eating for the 284th time that week. Before leaving the room, he cast a quick glance at Sakusa and smiled before leaving. 

**He’s going to leave you one day.**

“Shut up.” Atsumu growled at The Voice. “You’re just trying to hinder me. You weren’t helping me at all.”

**That’s not true and you know it. I made you skinny. I made you perfect. Look what they’re doing to you. Check the mirror, step on the scale, measure yourself. You’ve gained weight because of them, but I made you lose it. So you tell me, who is really helping you?**

Atsumu didn’t know how to answer but decided to ignore it, provoking it would probably make it worse. 

His mother greeted him when he walked into the kitchen and gave him a plate with his breakfast on it. It consisted of steamed rice, miso soup, and some tofu. Immediately Atsumu’s brain tried to count the calories, but he had gotten better at controlling that. He took a bite of the rice and forced himself to swallow it. Eating didn’t give him any satisfaction anymore. It felt like a chore and he hated it. Everyday was the same. He just wanted to be normal again. He missed playing volleyball and messing around with his friends. While he was in his thoughts, he didn’t notice Sakusa sit next to him and lace their fingers together. 

**You don’t deserve him.**

**They’re going to leave you.**

**You’re gained too much weight.**

**You’re ugly.**

**You’re worthless.**

**YOU ARE NOTHING WITHOUT ME.**

In a flash, Atsumu had pushed his chair back and stumbled onto the floor. Sakusa looked up from his food in surprise. Osamu made a move to get up and help his brother, but Sakusa shook his head. 

“Let me handle this one. I’m surprised he hasn’t had a breakdown like this yet, he’s been doing so well, so it was bound to happen.”

Atsumu didn’t seem to be able to hear them, off in his own thoughts with the demons that controlled him. Sakusa decided it would be a good idea to bring him back to his room and they could talk there. He lifted Atsumu up and to his dismay, he was still too light. While Atsumu saw himself as huge, fat, etc. everyone else saw a sack of bones. 

“If only he could see that.” Sakusa thought but he understood how he felt and knew it would take a while before he was back to normal. 

He layed Atsumu down on the bed and shook him lightly to try and gather his attention. 

“Atsumu if you can hear me let me know, ok? I’ll be here to talk whenever you are ready.”

After a few minutes, he felt Atsumu stir. 

“Omi?” Atsumu said in a small voice. 

“I’m right here. When you’re ready do you want to tell me what happened or do you just want to cuddle?” Sakusa responded, weaving his hands through Atsumu’s hair. 

“I want to talk about it this time. I know I promised I wouldn’t bottle things up, but old habits die hard I guess.” He laughed bitterly and continued. “I wake up in the morning and I’m afraid you won’t be there. I’m afraid that you’ll leave me because I become too much for you to handle. Every day I wake up and it’s the same thing over and over again, I’m sick of looking in the mirror and hating myself. I know it’s only been a month but I’m sick of it, I want to run back to The Voice. It seems so safe and comforting,but why am I finding comfort in something that hurts me every day. It’s constantly telling me how worthless I am, but when I was listening to it, I seemed like I was on the top of the world. I miss volleyball, I miss being happy. Meeting you was the best thing that ever happened to me. You’re so perfect and I’m not. That’s why I’m afraid you’ll leave me.”

Atsumu looked up to see tears pouring down Sakusa’s face. 

“Wait don’t cry-.” He was cut off by Sakusa grabbing his face gently and bringing their foreheads together. 

“Atsumu, The day I met you was the best thing that ever happened to me. I didn’t know it yet but you are my world. I don’t know what I would do without you. I know the thoughts are hard and it’s difficult to get through them, but that’s why I’m here. I’m here to comfort you, take some of the burden and put it on my shoulders so you can take a break. I love you and I’ll never leave you.” 

The two lovers held each other in the small bed and cried together. They knew that they could find comfort and peace in each other, which strengthened them both. 

Once they were done proclaiming their love for each other, (can you tell I’m jealous), they left the room and sat down to finish their breakfast. It took Atsumu some time, but with the help of Sakusa and his family he was able to push away The Voice and finish his meal. After the meal, Atsumu decided to tell everyone about his plan to meet up with the volleyball team. 

“I know it may seem soon, but I want to meet up with the team today.” Atsumu said. “I’m feeling better and it would probably be a good idea to do it on a day where I’m not about to have a breakdown.” 

They all agreed to it and Osamu texted the team and created a meet up time. 

After cleaning up, Atsumu was making sure he was decent to go outside when Sakusa came in. 

“How are you feeling?” He asked while hugging him from behind. One thing Atsumu had noticed was since Sakusa didn’t like people touching him, (with a few exceptions), he was severely touch starved, so he took every chance to hug or touch Atsumu whenever he could. 

“I’m nervous but I know I have you and Osamu so I’ll be alright.” Atsumu responded. 

Finally they were ready to go and they got into the car. The ride there was silent but filled with nervous anticipation. They pulled into the school parking lot and parked near the gym. When they got to the gym entrance, Atsumu stopped and took a deep breath. All the memories, whether happy or sad, were coming back to him and he smiled sadly. 

“I really do miss playing volleyball.” Atsumu said. 

“Then come back.” A voice said from behind them. 

They all turned around to see Suna standing there. 

Osamu laughed and shook his head. “You’re always late.”

“Well technically you are too.” Suna jabbed back. 

Atsumu noticed they were being slightly more friendly with each other, but didn’t investigate any further. 

They all walked into the gym together and saw the team sitting there, waiting for them. 

All eyes were on Atsumu the second he walked in and a few hushed gasps were let out. 

Sakusa quietly whispered to Atsumu, “It’s not because you’re fat, remember that. They’re shocked at how skinny you are.” 

Atsumu did his best to believe him and went to sit down. Once everyone was settled, Atsumu began to explain what had happened. He went over his struggles with his eating disorder, how he met Sakusa, and how he ended up in the hospital. He also talked about how he was uncomfortable with how much they teased him and how it impacted his mental health. The team looked regretful and multiple times they apologized for it, but Atsumu waved it off. 

“You didn't know, I should’ve spoken up instead of taking it. Also I don’t know when I will be returning, but when I come back I promise I’ll beat all of your asses.” He smirked. 

The team was relieved to see Atsumu doing alright. After their talk, Kita came up to Atsumu. 

“I want to apologize for not being there, it is my job to keep up with all of you as the captain and I just wanted to say I’m sorry.” 

“Kita-san I’ve already told you, it’s ok. I understand and I forgive you.”

He looked relieved and walked away to talk with the team. 

“I’m proud of you.” Sakusa said. 

“Yeah, me too. Let’s go home though, I’m tired.” 

Sakusa laughed and they went to collect Osamu to bring them home. 

  
  
  


Atsumu learned many important things during his recovery journey. No matter how alone he thought he was, but there was always someone to lean on. The voice was always wrong, Ait didn’t want him to succeed, and it never did. It grew in the dark corners of his mind and fed on his bad thoughts. In order to keep these bad thoughts away, he visits a therapist every week. And when that fails, he could always go to his soulmate, his world, his everything. 

He was able to go back to volleyball a few weeks after his talk with the team. He was far behind because of his recovery, but his determination to improve brought him back to his original place quickly. Atsumu thanks the universe every day for introducing him to Sakusa. Together they fought the battles of eating disorder recovery and eventually grew up and played on the same team together. They have their ups and downs, but they’ll never forget the endless love and support they have for each other.

_ Thank you for breaking my rules, Sakusa.  _

_ Anything for you, Atsumu.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can’t believe it’s all done. I’m torn between being happy and sad. I’m just glad it’s finished (or is it) and I can relax. 
> 
> *manga spoilers*
> 
> Uhm well I have an idea for a sequel if you want that. It’ll feature Atsumu and Sakusa when they’re on the MSBY team and Atsumu having a small relapse. It’ll only be one or two chapters but I think it would make a good sequel if you guys are interested in it. 
> 
> If you made it to the end, thank you. I appreciate you sticking with this work.


	7. I’ve started the sequel lol

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ✨Sequel time✨

I’ve started a sequel to this series if you are interested. It’ll be posted in this series, but not this work. Please look for it on my account if you want to read it. I’m very thankful for all support and it makes me so happy when I see people comment. Thank you guys so much. :D

**Author's Note:**

> If you made it this far, thank you! Hopefully I’ll be able to get a new chapter out soon. Thank you for the support, I love you all. 
> 
> If you are suffering from an ED, please seek help. I’ve been there before and seeking help is the best option. I will leave numbers for you to call to talk to someone about getting help. Eating Disorders kill many people. It’s the most deadly mental health disorder. Also please feel free to reach out to me! I’m always willing to talk.
> 
> National Hotline- 800-931-2237


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